Everything that you need to know about social networking sites.

This post is for anyone who has, through some crazy way or another, avoided social networking (or possibly the internet) for a long enough period of time to not have a clue what it's about. However, if you're feeling somewhat dazed and confused and cannot tell your tweetdeck from your timeline, you're in luck! Because being the lovely people that we are, we are going to help you get back up to speed with the rest of the internet. You'll be looking popular and up to date with the rest of the world in no time!

Google+ 

We'll start with good old google+, seeing as I'm pretty sure that everyone's heard of google. Even if you stopped using the internet 10 years ago, you should still have at least heard of google. This is due to their oh-so-successful search engine raking in loads of cash for the company due to advertising revenue. Because they had so much money, they've decided that they can pay people to make other programmes that do different stuff, but in the same time generate more money. Anyway, enough of the basic economic lesson... Google+ is google's brainchild, because google needed in on the action (and revenue stream) that other social networks were enjoying.

However, imho Google+ never really got off to as great a start as it would have hoped. I'm afraid that it never really got anywhere. There was a lot of hype about all of these beta versions that you needed a special invite to get into, so you could try out facebook's nemesis. However, 12 months down the line... well.. that's pretty much where it stayed. So much talk about it being the new facebook, but when it came to the crunch I guess everyone was comfortable where they were. It can be quite stressful uprooting your life and moving to a completely different social networking site. For instance, you've got the stressful business of tracking down all 346 of your previous friends. Then there's uploading photos to make you look more popular than you really are, getting used to the new interface and all kinds of other things that no one really has the time (or patience) to deal with these days. We just prefer to have a bit of a whinge and a moan when facebook change anything, but not do anything about it.

I mean, I would actually use google+, because it is a really well presented website. However, when i tried to log in today, my page appeared, only to be refreshed to a blank page half a second later. Oh, and the fact that no one I actually know is on there as well.

Twitter

Anyone who's anyone is on twitter nowadays. It's the social network that any popstar, politician, Olympic athlete, teenage hipster, homeless bum or comedian can inform the world of their activities in 140 characters or less. True microblogging stylee. Perfect for when you want to tell everyone that you just tripped up and fell down some steps into a puddle which was an "omg total cringe moment", and you just don't have the time to get to a computer and write an essay about it. Instead of writing a blog crammed with every emotion you were feeling in the five minutes leading up to the trip, you can save everyone time and hassle by condensing your story to the bare key points, thus eliminating the drivel and wasting less of everyone's lives. And you can do it from your phone as well. Sweet!

Twitter is unlike facebook (and kind of google+) because it actively encourages people to go out and "follow" someone new, that they probably don't know irl. I know it does sound a bit creepy, but I assure you it just means that they're your friend. And also all of their posts feature on your "tweetdeck" (homepage), regardless of how banal they may be. However, you are able to follow celebrities and write them messages that they will ACTUALLY RECEIVE and read with their own eyes, as opposed to a fan page in homage to them. And don't underestimate the power of being able to contact celebrities. Ever since one famous tweenybopper (probably a Jonas brother or Bieber or Tulisa)ended a very high profile relationship with another and then started to see someone else, the new girlfriend/boyfriend was tracked down on twitter and sent death threats, horrible messages and general other unpleasantries. However, this was not by the ex of celebrity A (in fact, they finished their relationship and decided to stay friends)but by HORDES of crazed fans of said ex. That's right, loads of angry pre-teenage girls were logging on and sticking up for their fave celebrity by blackmail, because OF COURSE the original couple needs to get back together again! The other one is just ruining things.

Twitter also lets you comment and debate with the rest of the country/world about current topics as well. TV programmes now annoyingly sport a #programmename in the b ottom left corner of the screen for a good few minutes as the show starts. If you just add this hashtag to whatever you post on twitter, as long as it corresponds to what was written on the screen, your post gets grouped together with all the other posts from other people who want to comment on the programme (of course they can't just have a chat with the person next to them, they need the world to see). Very useful during the Olympics closing ceremony... so many witty yet disappointed tweets.

Me? I'm not really one for this twitter malarkey. Of course I have an account, but then again, I do still have a myspace as well. I think I'm following @Elizabeth Windsor, who is some spoof of the queen and always refers to herself as "one" (thus deeming the post witty) and makes references to gin"o'clock"anytime past teatime. Sometimes there is a funny one thrown in. @SarcasticRover is another good one as well, giving us a live feed of the NASA's project on Mars, "Curiosity", and its thoughts upon being marooned on another planet for at least 2 years, whilst picking up space dust. However, that's as far as I'd go with it. Occasionally there's some witty things on twitter, but you're best logging on to snoop around and laugh at other people or Z-listers, rather than becoming an internet celebrity yourself. "Twitterati?" I think that's the word.

 and finally...

Facebook

Last but not least, may I present you the creation of Mark Zuckerberg, which also coss companies millions of dollars every day whilst employees procrastinate on facebook as opposed to getting their jobs done. It was the social network site that did something that none of the other social networks could do before it... have the staying power. As in, retain all of its users in a years' time and still be expanding, a feat which bebo nor myspace was capable of performing. Nowadays EVERYONE has myspace. Your gran, your pet dog and pretty much every relation you have are probably on there, having wised up and become tech-savvy in order to stay in contact with you.

It's brilliant. The team decide to change things around every couple of months (like the layout, and stuff), making ridiculously unnecessary, aesthetically displeasing changes, or changes where the outcome is worse than it was to begin with. I love going on facebook, and it makes my day when the server crashes or there is some ridiculous problem happening in the most unlikely place. After that, playing "guess where all of the normal function buttons have gone" straight after another poorly designed rehash of the layout has come into effect, is totally my favourite game. Especially when you have to detag yourself from last night's embarrassing photos where you look like a complete mong, (but you can't let the rest of the world see that) and have to remove any association with it before anyone can see. FAB.

There are more now. A  majority of them aren't worth
knowing.

It's also really handy for keeping tags on your partner, or "really getting to know" your crush. People do all sorts of things, even when they're listed as "in a relationship" or "married" on facebook. Like reigniting an old flame via facebook chat after your partner's pissed you off one too many times? They'll never know cos private messages do what they say on the tin. It's only when your partner finds  your facebook account logged in, page open on the private message to your ex that you had signed off with "Can't wait to see you, sexiest lady in the world" that it becomes a Jeremy Kyle case. 

Facebook etiquette dictates that you must postpone accepting your parent's friend request for as long as possible, as to avoid them coming into contact with people that you actually know irl via facebook and the embarrassment that ensues...Not to mention, it's only what's best for them. If they found out that their little straight A student who-could-do-no-wrong, secretly went out to raves where she drank and did DRUGS, alongside being hooked on that "skunk" on lunch breaks, those parents would be mortified. As parents, they should have the right not to know these things. If they find things like this out via facebook, it only makes them worry (to some very extremes).

However, there are graver matters to worry about. For instance, my newsfeed being clogged with adverts that my friends have unwittingly "shared", not to mention indecipherable posts from "ppl hu tlk lyk dis", that one person who is always so bloody negative about EVERYTHING and then the facebook chat "bluorp" noise. However, it's not in vain! Despite these slight inconveniences, you 're able to talk to your friends online, bitch about so and so, then bitch about the other bitch to another bitch that your bitch is bitching about, with the knowledge that the original bitch will be none the wiser. 

Who needs real life when you can social network?